And A Child Shall Lead Them

A recent homework session with Holden had me lying in bed late one night and replaying all that had happened.  It had NOT been a good session with Holden…at least it had not started out well.  First, he refused to sign his own name on the math paper assigned for homework.  He kept insisting he wanted to put "B29"…and when given a pencil, that is what he wrote.  I erased his mistake and reminded him who he was before asking a second time for him to write his name.  And again he wrote “B29”.  I knew immediately this was not going to go well.  Sometimes Holden gets in his head exactly what he believes should happen…and getting him to change his mind is like pulling teeth from a polar bear (or at least what I imagine that would be like).   Again and again and again he continued to try to sign in as “B29”…and then he began folding his fists together as a ninja pose.  I bowed my head and prayed, “Lord, I’m not sure how to help him do right now what I know You have equipped him to do.  Help me, Lord.”  Holden heard my prayer (I intended that) and bowed his head and said, “God, Geegee bad.  B29.  Thank You, God”.  Now I’m losing patience.  We’ve already spent 10 minutes and we have nothing to show for it…not even the word “Holden” written in the space labeled “Name”.

In my most firm grandma voice I explained, “Holden.  You’re name is Holden.  This paper is for your school teacher and if you write B29 on the paper she is not going to know whose paper it is.  You must write ‘Holden’.”

He folded his arms together and said, “No, Geegee.  You mean.  No write ‘Holden’, write ‘B29’.”

Now I change tactics and give him the silent treatment.  He immediately looks for something to get me talking again.  He points to a picture on the wall of him when he was only a few weeks old, cradled in my arms, as I’m surrounded by family.  I love that picture…he loves that picture.  He wants me to look at it and he reminds me that I hold him.  It’s sort of like he’s saying, “How can you possibly be upset with me.  You love me.”  And he even says, “Geegee, I love you.”

I explained, “No, Holden.  Just saying the words ‘I love you’ doesn’t work.  If you really love me you must show me by being respectful and doing your work.  But you are being rude, ugly and disrespectful.  And that’s not love.”  And he immediately bows his head to start praying.

I interrupted his prayer and said, “Holden.  God doesn’t listen to us when we are disobeying.  We have to tell God we’re sorry before we can tell Him anything else.  If we’re being rude, we’re sinning.  God can’t be around sin.  So you have to apologize for being bad and then God can hear you and help you be good.”

His reaction stunned me.  Many would say that I’m speaking to him about something he cannot possibly understand.  But that little boy fell to his knees and burst into tears…wracking sobs of grief.  He cried out, “God, I love you.  I sorry.”  I let him continue to sob and did not try to comfort Him.  I’ve long believed that being contrite is something God expects of us when we are making things right with Him.  Guilt is a gift that brings us back to Him…not a punishment.  Holden knew he was misbehaving.  He knew he was guilty.  And he knew exactly what needed to be done about it.  After about a full minute of sobbing and wiping his face, he stood suddenly and went to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.  I held my ground when everything in me wanted to go and help him feel restored.  I had to give God time to do what only God can do.  I heard Holden mumbling and grumbling and talking to himself.  But I promise you about two minutes later, the door opened, he came across the kitchen and sat down at the table, picked up his pencil and wrote “Holden” on the paper.  For the next 30 minutes he worked with concentration and effort to complete what for most students in 6^th grade would have been 3 minutes of work.  BUT HE DID WHAT HE WAS SUPPOSED TO DO…AND HE DID IT CORRECTLY.

As I lay in bed that night, replaying the scene over and over, God started to speak to me about MY life and the way I act before Him.  You see…Grandma had the power and was in charge of the homework time, but Holden wanted to be in charge.  He wanted to do things HIS WAY…just like I so often want to do life MY WAY.  But God is in charge of my life.  I’ve given Him my heart and given Him permission to be the leader of my life.  There are things He expects to be done.  He expects my respect.  He expects my obedience.  Sometimes I want to be someone else and not have to do the things that are part of my life.  I don’t want to clean the house.  I don’t want to go to work.  I don’t want to people.  I don’t want to fulfill promises made.  I don’t want to do life God’s way.  I’m drawn to doing things the world’s way…taking the easy way out.  I want to be conformed to the world instead of transformed to doing things God’s way. 

And our precious God and Father sighs and shakes His head and settles in for the long haul.  He lets us act out and be ridiculous because He knows us and knows that we’ll come back to Him and eventually do it His way.  He knows that if we’d just do it His way to start with, life would be so much smoother.  We’d get through the challenges quicker and move along to the fun and abundance of enjoying a content and peaceful relationship with Him.  But He will NOT make us do what we are not WILLING to do…so He waits.  He waits for us to tire of our childish behavior.  He waits for us to get through speaking to Him with lack of respect.  He waits for us to honor Him with obedience.  He smiles softly because He knows what’s going to happen and who’s going to win this “battle” because He’s already won the war for our hearts.

And we break…and we cry out to Him and apologize for our disobedience and lack of respect…and we might have to pull aside and get a little grumpy with Him.  But He waits!  Because He loves us!  Because He knows the joy of a restored relationship and obedience and life the way it was meant to be is coming soon.  And, oh the joy He experiences as we enjoy being restored again.  He waits with arms open to hold us and love us and let us know that things are right again.  And then he works WITH us to help us complete the things that challenge us.  He never leaves us.  He never gives us challenges that we cannot overcome with His help.  And His help is ever present.  We just have to reach out for it.

Holden and I finished that math page together.  We wrapped our arms around each other and celebrated when it was done.  I praised his hard work.  I didn’t have to remind him how difficult the beginning had been.  He doesn’t remember it…and for that I’m grateful to God.  For I learned that God does the same thing for me.  He doesn’t sit around upset about my disobedience.  He’s busy enjoying the relationship He longed for from the beginning of time.  His telling His Son “Thank You, Son, for bringing her to me.”  He’s a happy Father…I’m a happy daughter.  THIS IS WHAT RELATIONSHIP IS.

Holden and I will struggle with homework again…and again…and again.  The same disability that makes him struggle, and that allows him to forget the pain of struggle, also makes him forget the struggle.  So it will come again.  And I will love him through it again.  And it will probably be repeated before the week is out.  And I will love him through it again.  And if it’s possible for me to continue doing that for this handsome little guy that holds my heart in his hands, how much easier is it for our Heavenly Father to continue to love us over and over and over again! 

Every day there’s lessons to learn that are drawing me closer and closer into the relationship God and I share.  Every day I know God more…but also realize there’s so much more to Him than I’ll ever be able to know…till the day I stand in His presence and know Him fully…as I am already known to Him.  Just as His Son came as a child and lead the world, I am grateful for the children in my life that lead me closer to the Lord.  Are you blessed to know children and are you paying attention to the lessons God is using them to teach you?  Be blessed…and patient…and encourage a child today.  I promise the blessing will come back to you one hundredfold!