I Am My Mother's Daughter

I wonder why illness makes us more thoughtful.  My mind tends to spin when I'm not feeling well...and this morning I am NOT feeling well.  But it's not the kind of illness that's kept me bed-ridden, so I found myself sitting quietly in my living room, enjoying a morning cup of coffee (mixed with hot chocolate...mmmmmm).  I was reading a new scrapbooking manual I'd received.  As I went to turn the page I looked out the window and discovered it was snowing...and for a few brief minutes I was mesmerized.  Suddenly I was my mother.  I've seen her do this so many times.  She'll be in her robe, drinking her coffee...and suddenly her mind slips somewhere else.  You can see in her face that she's not in this moment...that she's in some other moment.  I was there this morning, sitting in my rocker...book lying in my lap...coffee cup held close to my chest...staring at the snowfall.  I found myself thinking that snowfall has "personalities".  This morning's snow was certainly in a laid back mood.  The flakes really were drifting...slowly...some down...some sideways...and some were even trying to return from whence they came.  There was no rhyme or reason to the snowfall.  It wasn't there to mess up traffic.  It wasn't there to bind us inside our homes out of the brrrrrrr.  It just was...and I just was...for a few brief moments.  I connected with my mother's heart...a heart that is lonely and hurting these days.  I missed knowing that she and dad were together and depending on each other.  I swallowed deeply as I sort of understood (without really understanding) the huge hole that is left in her heart in the absence of Dad.  She's such a strong woman and has always been capable of making herself adjust to the so many changes that life with Dad brought.  But this hole is big...and she's having to work to find her way through the dark without her anchor, for Dad surely was her anchor.  He grounded her.  She is a brilliant woman with a brilliant mind and sometimes I think she was created for a different world than this one.  She needed to be in a world where patterns were followed...where rules were unbroken...where comfort zones were the only speed zones in life.  Instead she had to learn and relearn every few years to adapt...to respect and love new people.  I remember for a long time thinking that she didn't really love people.  But I eventually realized that she does have a very deep-seated love for people...and when those people betray her trust and love, it's devastating for her.  She's blocked herself from loving many people because she knew they'd only be a temporary part of her life.  I wonder sometimes if she ever wished she'd done things differently.  But I think she'd say, as I know I'd say, that she wouldn't change one thing about her life.  For it is her life...all the ups and downs and ins and outs...all the travels to places she never wanted to see...all the joys and sorrows her husband and children have taken her through...that has made her the beautiful, capable, strong woman that she is.  And I am continuing to become her...hoping and praying that one day she'll look in my eyes and see herself...the good parts (smile).  I love you, Mom...I miss you, Dad.  Lord, please comfort her and strengthen her as only you can.  Thank You for being our comfort in sorrow, our Strength in weakness, our Light in the darkness, our joy in the midst of sadness.  I love You, Lord!