A+ Guide to Cancer Survival

I've wanted for months to put together something that would help me remember my experience with cancer...well, its actually an on-going experience.  Sometimes I think having cancer is just like being an alcoholic...you can be through with it, but you're never truly through with it (sigh). 

I was asked yesterday by a dear friend how he could help his friend who was undergoing a double mastectomy.  What follows is the response I sent to him...a response that I believe others can use when they'd like to stand alongside a cancer victim and be a strength to them.  I apologize for the length...but there really was nothing I could leave out.

-------------------

“A”lways – PRAY!!!  Holding on to the Father’s hand is imperative during this time.  Remember, He’s the same God in the darkness that He is in the light...or else He’s no good.  He WILL walk with you “through the shadow of the valley of death”.  And remember...this is only the shadow, not the valley.  That’s the truth!  And friends....PRAY, PRAY, PRAY, PRAY, PRAY.  Pray that God would be Her strength...that He’d show Himself as the Great Physician... that He’d be her comfort...that He’d be her guide.  Never think there’s something better you can do...this is THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO FOR HER.

“A”dmit – The first thing I had to do as my cancer adventure started was to admit that I was “A”fraid.  I wasn’t really afraid of the cancer...I wasn’t really afraid of dying (I know where I’m going so there’s nothing to fear about death).  I was afraid of what I didn’t know...I didn’t know how much pain would be involved...I didn’t know how much change would be involved...I didn’t know if I’d be strong enough to endure.  Honesty is the best policy...so find someone you can be honest with who will hold you and comfort you through those admissions of fear.  Let that person know what you are looking for...a shoulder, advice, encouragement, research. 

And if you’re standing alongside someone who’s going through these fears, be strong for them.  Find out if they just want a shoulder to cry on...if they want advice...if they want encouragement ...or if they’d like you to do some research (sometimes just having information in hand helps).  The Bible is full of promises about God’s presence in the midst of our trials and troubles...I found those verses especially helpful.  Biggest thing a friend can do... remind the patient to deal with “truth”...for the truth will set them free from the fear or at least make it manageable.

“A”dapt – change is a natural process of everyday life, but cancer speeds the process up and sometimes the change can be overwhelming.  You can expect in the next few months to lose your hair...to lose your eyebrows...to lose your eyelashes...to lose hair on parts of your body that we don’t discuss in public.  Your surgery has resulted in the loss of your breasts and no matter what you do to prepare for this or how okay you are with this because you know you’re doing what’s best for your health, it’s going to be a shock every time you look in the mirror...and this could last a long time.  If you’ve chosen reconstructive surgery, it’s still a big change...you will have lost the nerve endings and all feeling there.  Take a deep breath.  Your “new normal” will eventually evolve...and it’s really not a horrible thing.  All that hair will magically re-appear at some point in the future...and it’s likely to be different from the hair you gave up.  But there will come a day when you will celebrate that you’ve adapted to your “new normal”.

If you are the friend who has chosen to stand alongside and encourage the woman going through breast cancer, allow her to express her feelings without thinking she’s vain or shallow.  The Scriptures teach that our hair is our crown...and losing it absolutely pulls the rug out from under a woman.  Gift her with scarves and hats during this time...and silly hats are okay if they make her smile.  I had my “Phyllis Diller” hat made out of pink fun fur that I wore through the winter of my adventure.  It made me smile...and it made others smile.  Try to guard the look on your face...verbalize that you can accept a “bald” friend...and then accept her.  She’s still the same person she was before but she’s moving in fast forward through the change cycle right now.  You may get tired of hearing the same stuff over and over again...but listen to it over and over again anyway.  Encourage her to talk about her feelings and help her sort through them as she starts to put herself back together.  And “A”ssure her of your love and friendship...there’s so much strength that comes from “A”cceptance and “A”ssurance.

“A”cknowledge – sometimes we think we have to be superwoman and do it all to “prove” that we’re fighters and able to keep going.  That’s so unnecessary.  Acknowledge your weaknesses and let your friends and family become your strength.  The next few months following surgery will be daunting, to say the least.  Acknowledge your need for someone to keep the house running (while you work on keeping you running).  Acknowledge your need for rest (your body was recently invaded and then attacked...a battle has taken place...it’s time to recover).  Acknowledge your need for companionship (make sure you don’t shut out your spouse, children or friends...no matter how much you want to crawl into a hole and just wake up in a few months when it’s all over).

Friends – send cards, send cards, send cards.  Cards are “easy”...visits are difficult.  A card requires nothing in return, a visit requires energy that is better used at this time for rest and recovery.  Let your friend know that you want to be available to her when she’s ready for one-on-one visits...but respect her privacy initially after the surgery.  So much is going on in her heart, her mind, her spirit and her body.  Respect her needs and wishes.  Be aware of her feelings by asking her family about her.  Designate a friend that will be the “go to” person to give reports.  But don’t overwhelm her until she’s had time to learn to stand on her own two feet again.  Meals for the family allows the family time to meet her needs.  You can volunteer to help with clean-up in her home (if she’s comfortable with that).  Also...there will be a lot of doctor’s visits coming up and you can help by offering to transport her if the family’s busy.  Another great gift....gas cards.  There’s a lot of traveling back and forth and in this day and age the price of gasoline can make all that travel prohibitive.  Gas cards are a practical gift.  Do not do “Bath and Body Works” gifts.  The woman who has had breast surgery has restrictions on bathing, restrictions on soaps and perfumes.  Gifts of encouragement...something to brighten the room...artificial flowers (smells can be overwhelming during chemotherapy so let the live flowers go to someone else), encouraging sayings.  “Dove” candy has a bag of chocolates and each one comes with a message of hope from a cancer survivor.  Support breast cancer awareness and fund-raising projects in honor of your friend.  All of these will help her keep her spirits up.

“A”sk – Ask questions...lots and lots of questions.  Ignorance is NOT bliss in light of life-altering disease.  Keep a notepad nearby to write your questions on.  Allow friends to research the answers if you need to know quickly...check their information with your doctor.  Ask your family to do the things YOU need done...not just the things THEY want to do for you.  Ask your friends to help you or to provide resources for you if needed.  Remember...you are in a battle for your life right now...don’t let pride keep you from asking for ANYTHING that will help you cope with all you’re coping with.

Friends...ASK.  Ask the patient...ask the family...ask other friends.  No question is off limits...well, use discretion.  Become informed...information empowers.  Offer information sparingly...make sure those you are talking to are interested in receiving anything you know.  Ask the patient “gently”...read her body language and not just her words...does she really want to talk about this?  Give her an opportunity...but don’t “push”.

“A-bsurdity” and “humor” go a long way...but only if the patient really wants it in her life.  I wore my funny hat.  I discussed the possibility of renting out billboard space on my bald head!  I laughed and laughed and laughed some more because it made me feel like I was staring the enemy in the eyeballs...and winning with glancing blows.  When you can see the humor in your situation, you diffuse the negative and “A”ccentuate the positive!

Cancer treatment is not what it used to be.  A cancer diagnosis is not a death sentence.  It is, however, a road block on the super-highway of life that will send you along a detour that looks scary as you enter onto the rocky road.  But...when you get to the other side...and your “new normal” starts to flow along...you should be able to look back and say that it was a beautiful detour that let you see things and learn things you would never have learned had you tooled along on the super highway.  And I pray that you, like me, will one day recognize the blessing of having walked down that road hand-in-hand with the Lord...except during the times He was carrying you as He promised He’d do!