My Father's Eyes


Tonight I stepped out of the tub and looked into the mirror to see my father staring back at me.  I saw the intense look he used to have when deep in thought.  My eyes are a very clear green...his were crystal blue!  But there was an intensity to his gaze and I often wondered how much of him was in me.  I knew I looked so much like him...his curly dark hair, his "banana" nose, his personality, his sense of humor, his easy-going spirit, his take-life-as-it-comes attitude.  What I wish I had gotten from him was his integrity, his depth of love for God and all things Jesus, his deep sense of wonder and faith that God would answer his prayers.  He wasn't perfect...but, boy, he was close.  And as I looked into his eyes tonight I had to thank him.  You see he left a gift for me that came only because of my experience with facing death in the eyes (my cancer) and then facing his death.  He left  behind something to keep him ever present in my life.  He left sisters...my aunts.  And they don't have a clue the gift they are to me in so many little ways.  Aunt Lynn has the gift of service that Dad had...she doesn't know how to not serve and work for the Lord.  Aunt Sandy has Dad's love for people...it shows in how she tries to make me feel connected to family.  Aunt Phyllis has Dad's intensity...a quiet, strong spirit.  Aunt Tina has Dad's smile and sense of humor...I can't help but smile when I'm with her.  And little sister Casey...who never really had the chance to know her big brother...has his spirit of friendship.  She reached out to me in her loss and has become a comfort and joy in my life.  Am I surprised that it takes 5 women to fill the hole that Dad left in my life?  I am not.  Am I grateful for the lifeline that I have found in them?  I am.  And so tonight, as I looked into my father's eyes, I thanked him for not leaving me alone like I thought he did.  And I am determined that I will find a way to make his sisters more a part of my life than I made him when I moved away from home.  It still hurts that I didn't get to see him "one more time".  So if you're reading this...and there's someone special to you that you haven't reached out to and connected with recently...please stop reading and make that phone call or write that letter or go visit them.  Our days are numbered...and only He knows how many are left. 

I realized tonight that a whole generation of men are gone...all of my uncles are in heaven except one.  Maybe that's why female friendships and relationships are so important...it's the women in my life who have stayed the longest and have the time to plant more fruit in my soul.  My mother's sisters have been a blessing to me too.  Aunt Margaret...the family story-teller (not a liar, mind you...a great historian of the family).  Aunt Edna who always helped me in practical ways and loved me despite all my flaws.  And Aunt Barbara who was never close by...but when she was near always had a smile to pick up my spirits.  I never really lived near any of them (except Aunt Edna...maybe that's why I remember her love and help so much).  But there is something of all of them in me because I am the daughter of the love God brought together in my parents.  All I know is this...my life is rich in love, wisdom and strength because of all these women.

So, Daddy...as I miss you tonight I pray that you are rejoicing with the Lord.  Maybe now you and Uncle Bo are the fishermen you once tried to be (smile).  I wonder if you've connected with all your brothers-in-law and are getting a place built for the rest of us to join you?  I love you!