Why?

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Why do people choose misery over joy?
Why do we wallow in darkness instead of celebrating the Light in our lives?
Why do people say things they don’t mean and then wonder why people’s feelings get hurt?
Why do parents think it’s okay to treat their children with less respect than they treat other people?
Why do I take things too personally?
Why do I get discouraged when the Light is still the Light in my life?
Why does satan know me so well and know where to turn the knife to cause the most pain?
Why do I feel insignificant when I am a daughter of the King?
Why is it difficult to put on the “armor” when we’re hurting?
Why can’t I do the right thing when the right thing needs to be done?
Why does mom want to make this all about me and my brothers when it’s all about her?
Why is helping someone so hard sometimes?
Why do I have to be the parent to a parent who doesn’t want a parent?
Why does God choose not to reveal the future to us...will it scare us too much?
Why do I feel so lonely tonight?
Why do I start questioning my own feelings when I get around my mother?
Why is my brother so whatever it is he is?
Why do people put others down for their differences...poor...rich...black...white... smart..."dumb"...talks to much...uncomfortably quiet...preacher on his high horse...preacher that lacks faith...WHY do we think it's okay to talk about each other in ways that do not build up?
When I went through cancer there were so many others going through cancer at the same time and they were easy to find.  How do I find someone who’s waiting for a parent to die so I know I’m not the only one feeling what I’m feeling right now?
Why is it that I can deal with the fact she’s dying, but I struggle with the fact that she loves me but appears to not like me?
I can tell from all these questions that I have my focus in the wrong place...it’s all about me.  It kills me that satan knows right where to go after me.  I don’t want him to have a foothold.  I want to resist him so he’ll flee...but here in this dark bedroom, with the heat outside (seeping inside)...and the humidity...and the bugs singing by the millions...I feel so alone and misunderstood and rotten to the core.  I feel like a child again...a child who cannot please her parents no matter how hard she tries.  And when you feel like you can’t please your parents, you suddenly feel like you can’t please God.  And that’s such a lie...I know it is.  His Son lives in me and I know He’s pleased with His Son.  
So I sit here tonight bogged down in my humanness...struggling to hold on to the God Who is holding on to me.  I need to stop grasping and just find a way to rest under His wings.  I need to be honest with Him so He can be honest with me.   I need to let Him show me how to give in and let go...there’s a long road ahead and I’ll never make it if these kinds of feelings get through too often. 
Lord...forgive me for my “why’s”...forgive me for my doubt... forgive me for my selfish focus...and just love me tonight.  I don’t know anything else to pray...please know that I love You with all my heart...even when I fail to show it or feel it. 

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