I Don't Want to Read This Chapter

I wish someone would tell me how I can put the book down and stop reading the story of my life now.  I wish I could freeze time...that there was a way to stop it from going forward and bringing about a conclusion I don't want to see.  This week with mom only makes me not want to lose her more.  I am seeing a whole new side of her.  Gone is the woman who can handle anything thrown at her...the superwoman in my life...the you-do-what-you-gotta-do spirit...the "whatever" award winner who has always just accepted her lot in life, but done it with class.  Instead I sit by a woman who cries to go home and not go through what's happening, who wakes me in the morning with soft moans, who asked me to crawl in bed with her this morning as she shared how scared she was about what's to come.  She asks me to do something for her and then apologizes immediately for asking me to do too much.  A trip from bedroom to living room seems to wind her.

Her dog, Penny, and cat, Callie, are her ever-present companions, not straying too far from her side...or lap.  Mom is hurting because her wonderful pets are old and hurting, and she knows she will "put them down" because she can't stand the thought of them wondering where she is when she's gone.  Penny...rescued from the side of an interstate.  Callie, a little stray who wandered up with a belly full of kittens 16 years ago and has made 3 or 4 moves with them.  Our pets become our family, and mom has a beautiful family.  They've all grown older together...and it's sad to think they will go out together.  But I believe they'll be in heaven with Mom and Dad...young again...whole again...healed again.

I've been noticing how beautiful my mother's skin is...so soft and moist.  Her hands...long fingers...few wrinkles.  But I think the most surprising discovery I've made is her legs.  My mother is 76 and has the legs of a 30-year-old...beautiful...shapely.  She stepped on the scale this morning and has lost about 20 pounds since last November.  I knew she was thinner...I didn't know she was that much thinner.  I suspect she's about to grow even thinner if she has her way.  She's already not eating...it's hard to eat when your spirit's just not in it.

This is a strange chapter...a sit-and-wait chapter...a heartbreak chapter.  I'm separated from the ones who make me laugh and smile...who give me strength.  I'm with the ones who have not been so positve in my life at times...and yet I thank God that He's opening my eyes to let me see the beauty here.  It's a gift to sit with mom as friends drop by...to hear them sing her praises and know that she's made a huge mark in the world. 

So I will continue my story.  I will do what I never thought I would do and continue to brush her hair, bathe her, walk her to the bathroom, fetch her medicine, keep her house clean...and most of all, love her to the very end. 

But is it wrong for me to hope this chapter moves along quickly so I can get to a better chapter soon?