I Have to Take the Bad with the Good

 “Speed up past this vehicle.” (I was already driving the speed limit)  “Change lanes.” (There was a car on my passenger side bumper that she couldn’t see)  “Hurry up and run that yellow light or you’ll have to wait forever”...this just an hour after  “Lauren!  Stop...the light’s yellow!”  “We don’t drive 70...we drive 60 to save our natural resources.” (I’d just passed several vehicles...I moved into the right lane and let them all pass me.  “In Louisiana the police will pull you over if you stay in the left lane.” (She couldn’t see the four cars lined up behind me in the right lane that I’d had no room to move in-between).  This morning she *PROMISED* not to give me any more driving instructions...after telling me to hurry up through the left-turn arrow that I had.  I said, “There is no way you can keep that promise.”  I was right about that one.  After her snapping at me and snipping at me this morning I finally said...calmly actually... “Mom... enough!  When you try to tell me those things you are telling me you think I’m incapable and stupid.  I have been driving for over 30 years and never had an accident.  I am a good driver and can safely get you back and forth to these appointments and I will not allow you to keep doing this to me.  You are more distracting to me than the traffic patterns and when you act like this you are actually putting us in more danger.  It has to stop.”  She did so much better on the ride home...but I suspect we’ll go through the same thing tomorrow.

That’s my big whine and gripe for the day.  I should have started with something positive and sandwiched that into the middle, but for me that’s the big elephant in my heart that I have to deal with.  I thought it was difficult being the mother of adult children...I think it’s much harder to be the adult child of a mother who loves me but still sees me as teachable (smile).  I am trying to pick and choose my battles with her...and I’m letting her win most of them.  I’ll do everything I can to make her as comfortable as I can...but even I have my limits.

The car stuff started yesterday and left me in tears.  My dear husband says I take things too personally.  I guess you have to walk in my shoes to really understand the feelings.  I decided I needed a break so I called the pastor of the church I plan to attend while here and asked if I could come out last night and play the piano for a little while...my pacifier.  I had told mom I was going to do it and she’d explained earlier in the afternoon that “people don’t do things like that around here.”  She was perturbed that I’d called the pastor.  She seemed upset that I was  going to leave her home alone with Richard.  I finally got it (thank You, Lord, for Your still, small voice).  I invited her to come with me and listen to me play...and we were able to enjoy about an hour of wonderful music together in the sanctuary at New Hope.  Just what I needed...and I think something she needed.  She seemed so appreciative that I’d asked her to come and wasn’t shutting her out of something.  (Blessing #1)

I was able to find a pulse oximeter yesterday.  This wonderful little gadget - that clips onto the finger - measures heart rate and amount of oxygen in the system.  Most people’s oxygen numbers measure between 98-100.  While in the hospital mom’s was measuring around 88-92.  So she was sent home with portable oxygen tanks and when we got home the company dropped off an in-home system we could use.  Mom has been aggravated with the oxygen...I think she felt she was on a leash (smile).  The pulse oximeter has been a God-send...her oxygen levels have been staying between 95-98 during the day and she’s able to function without being attached to a machine.  This has really seemed to boost her spirits.  (Blessing #2)

This morning mom was out of bed at 1:30 a.m.  The middle of the night wakings are the worst for her...she struggles with her emotions during that time.  Fear is definitely a “dark” mood...and she struggles when she wakes in the night.  But she did go right back to sleep in “daddy’s” chair...and I later crawled into her empty bed and slept till 8:45 this morning.  When I got up mom had breakfasted already on a couple of peaches and a cheese sandwich!  What a joy to hear she’d been able to eat and enjoy a meal.  (Blessing #3)

Mom’s radiation treatments have been going so well.  The staff at the Northeast Louisiana Cancer Center are so nice and mom’s grown comfortable with walking in, receiving her treatment, and scooting out pretty quickly.  She always takes time to commend those who give her good service and make this process easier.  I love this about her.  (Blessing #4)  We left radiology and went to Dr. Long’s office, the surgeon who will perform mom’s mastectomy.  God was so good and the surgery is scheduled for this Tuesday, July 5^th.  Mom will be first on Dr. Long’s schedule that day and we should only be in the hospital overnight if all goes well.  I will now be able to spend about 10  days with her post-op and that’s better than I’d hoped for...we will also have Home Health to help with dressing changes and tube drainage.  (Blessing #5) 

We had a wonderful lunch at Cracker Barrel, where mom ate a whole cup of soup and a cornbread muffin...and seemed to enjoy them thoroughly.  It’s so nice to see her appetite returning.  I think the restored appetite has a lot to do with her spirits picking up since she’s able to finally fuel her body back up.  (Blessing #6)

I am going to do my best to focus on the blessings and deal with those distractions that satan throws appropriately.  I keep reminding myself that my mother loves me...that’s the truth.  Satan has had too much of a foothold in our relationship and there’s probably a lot of truth to what Dan says about me taking things too personally.  I guess I try so hard not to say things to people that I don’t mean that I have trouble believing people say things that they don’t really mean.  I want to wear the “belt of truth”.  I’ve learned too much this year about how “truth” helps to fight off satan’s attacks.  I wish he didn’t know my weak spots so well.  I’m asking God to help me with those weak spots...to be strength in my weakness...because that is what I believe will help me to survive the less-than-desirable moments. 

Thank you for the prayers that continue to see us through.  Mom will be having a mammogram tomorrow on the “other” breast...they just want to make sure there’s nothing there to worry about either.  She is not happy about this test...she’s only had one mammogram in her life, I think.  Is this normal for older women?  How do we get the word out that it shouldn’t be that way?  How do we let our mothers and grandmothers know that these tests can save their lives and give us more time together?  I’ll have to think about this.

I’m so grateful that I feel the need to do this...to write this...to record these memories.  I could leave out the “bad” stuff...but that wouldn’t be a true picture of our relationship.  It’s not been the easiest of relationships.  But as far as mothers and daughters go...I wouldn’t trade her for any other mother in the world.

(Addendum:  I usually read these blogs to mom before I post them...I thought it was interesting that she did not want to hear the first paragraph of this blog.  She didn't want to hear the things she says...what does that mean?)