How In The World Do I Do This?

I don’t know the right thing to do.  I know I’m supposed to “listen” to her...but does that mean that I remain silent and let her just lament.  I put her in bed, tucked her in, gave her a kiss...she’s so beautiful.  But I had to crawl in next to her and wrap my arms around her and let my fingers slide through her hair to try to calm her down.  How I wish I could be the mother and she could be the child and I could kiss away her “owies”.   She has asked to hold my hand 3 or 4 times today.  How I wish my strength could pass to her...and then I wonder, “What strength?”  Now she’s saying, “I don’t know what I’ll do when you’re not here.  David won’t be able to help me like you do.”  How do I leave her for two weeks when the time comes?

I read the Hospice Manual today and I’m frightened for her.  I don’t want to see her slip away.  I don’t want to watch her lying in a coma...hearing us but not responding to us.   According to the manual, hearing is the last “sense” that you lose.  That means we must be aware that everything we say around her she may be able to hear. 

I find myself tormented for her...and then angry at her...and then sorry for her...and then loving her...and then wishing I could do anything to help her pain...and then frustrated all over again.  This emotional roller coaster is draining.

It’s hard to do for her over and over and over again and then watch her walk down the hallway carrying her walker because she doesn’t think anyone is looking.  It’s hard to come in from church and discover she’s made sweet tea for my brother, but I have to get it into the pitchers for him...only to see him get upset later because she asked him to hold a dustpan instead of asking me to do it.  He seems to have this attitude that since I’m here I should do everything and he’s now free to do nothing.  Argghhhhhhhh. 

I feel like I’m being selfish again.  How do I give myself to her completely and help her with this journey that I don’t want her to make?  How do I make this about her when she keeps trying to make it about us? 

Lord...how I need your wisdom and strength.  I’m feeling so inadequate for this task...but I know You’ve never asked me to do anything You didn’t equip me to do.  I’ve never done this...I don’t have a clue how to watch her die.  Help me, Lord.  I don’t know anything else to ask.

This picture is perfect...there are two small cups of "pebbles" that

mom has collected through the years.  She's a lover of

all things simple and all things nature!