This Isn’t About Me...This Isn’t About Me...This Isn’t About Me

I find myself on the verge of tears every moment of the day now.  She was up early and had a “best-start” yet since the news.  She came down the hall about 7:00 as Richard was leaving for school...and fell quickly back to sleep once she got “her chair” back from me...where I’d slept comfortably last night.  It’s actually Dad’s lift-chair...and somehow I think we both feel closer to him and comforted by him when we’re in his chair. 

A wonderful friend (read that angel in disguise) provided us with a rental vehicle to use while I’m here with mom.  It solved so many problems.  Now Rich can go back and forth to school without complications while I chauffeur mom to all her appointments.  It’s hard to find a thank you card that expresses anything close to what one feels when someone offers a gift like this.  I did my best...but it falls so short of the astonishment and overwhelming feelings of love that I feel.  It was the offer of this gift that helped mom cry for the first time in months.  And this wonderful angel is also the person that brought me a treat...purple hull peas.  My friends “up north” won’t even know what those are...but when I lived in Louisiana and was younger and got to pick my “birthday meal”, I always chose purple hull peas and cornbread.  This dear person gave me the “comfort food” that I needed this weekend...I’ve been portioning them out so I could enjoy them as long as possible.  Also ate some wonderfully fresh, sliced tomatoes...mmm, mmm, good!

There was one “odd” thing that happened today.  Who knew magazine subscription offers could hurt so much?  Because mom’s an avid magazine reader, each offer is a reminder that she has no reason to renew her subscription.  I’ve never thought about that before.  How much of our daily lives will “haunt us” as we prepare for death.  I think we all choose to live as if we’ll never die and death then becomes an intrusion.  I just know I was sad for her today as she talked about having no reason to renew the magazines she’s loved reading through the years.

The day went rather smoothly.  Our trips to Monroe will be a blessing.  I was able to hold her hand several times today again...and hug her...and hold her.  If someone had told me that I’d be doing that today I would have thought them strange.  Mom’s never been much of a touchy-feely kind of person.  I’m so grateful for her touch now...it’s something I’ll have to remember her by.

I purchased some Merle Norman makeup today.  I associate the smell of the foundation/base with my mother and it comforts me.  It’s a scent that I will always associate with her.

Tonight was not as smooth.  She has had trouble with her stomach, unable to have a bowel movement for over 80 hours now.  It’s frightening her...frustrating her...simply driving her a little crazy.  We got instructions from the doctor’s office this morning, and when we tried to follow them this evening something went wrong.  She was instructed to drink a product that she promptly threw up about 20 minutes later.  Tonight when she tried to finish the product...same results.  So we’ll be calling the doctor again in the morning and praying that she can find some sort of relief and not end up back in the hospital with an intestinal obstruction again.  The worst part...it’s her pain medicine that causes the problems...and she needs the pain medicine.  So much about this illness just isn’t fair.

She’s in bed now.  Again I tucked her in and kissed her on the forehead.  A friend from high school mentioned that our parents truly do become the children and we become the parents in this situation.  My “child” (smile) has some very particular ways about her that I have to take a deep breath and just tolerate:  her clothes must be hung in a certain way...pants have their own kind of hanger...the parking brake must be used every time the car is in park...the dog must have some kind of treat mixed in with her evening meal...everything has its place...there’s just so many things to learn to keep her comfortable in her own home.

I love my cousins.  I’ll meet with Nancy for lunch tomorrow while Aunt Edna sits with mom.  And my cousin Robin is coming up from Houston this weekend...I haven’t seen her in almost 15 years.  We’re all within one year of each other in age...how blessed I am to have them near.  And other friends have offered to come and see me...so I don’t feel quite so “alone” in all of this.

This has been a long day...these are long notes...but I don’t want to leave anything out.  I want every moment with her to count now.  I forgot to write about a funny incident the other night.  Mom was on the phone with her sister and opened a drawer and took out a pair of scissors.  She motioned to me and I wasn’t sure what was going on.  The motion became more insistent so I took the scissors from her with a question on my face.  Then she THRUST her arm out.  She wanted me to remove the hospital bracelets...immediately.  It was not something that could wait till the end of her phone conversation.  I wish you could have seen the look on her face.  I think it’s one of the looks I’ll always remember.

I love my mom.  We’re going to do this...somehow we’re going to do this!