A Time to Mourn

Home!  I live in western New York, where mountains sprout from the ground to surround the beautiful Allegany River that meanders it’s way through the countryside.  As we drove home tonight, after eleven weeks of the hottest summer of my life in Louisiana, I found myself growing silent.  It’s time to switch hats again.  If I’ve learned nothing about death this past year, I’ve learned that life goes on.  There once was a time when a person was expected to mourn…when they were given “time” to mourn.  But in this fast-paced world, mourning happens in bits and pieces that have to be found.  The world doesn’t slow down for the death of a loved one.  Well…that’s not totally true.  There was the visitation and funeral, where people gave up their precious time to let us know how special mom was to them…and I am so grateful for that sacrifice from all of her dear friends – many whom I now call friend. 

But there’s a longer time that’s needed to erase some things that need to be erased.  I need to erase that frightening morning cry, “Help me!  I’ve fallen!”  I want to let go of the sound of mom begging…literally begging and pleading…with David to let her out of the bed that last night she was with us.  I want to erase the memory of the weak, feeble woman who took over my strong, capable mother’s body and robbed her of life.

And then I want time to soak in her love of these last few months.  She seemed to finally accept that I’d truly grown up and was capable…and once she accepted it she wanted me close.  That was such a wonderful feeling because there have been times she did not want me close.  There were times that I hurt her and embarrassed her and shamed her.  And she was willing to forgive me…and love me…and need me to the end.  I think we said, “I love you” more in the past 3 months than maybe in the last 30 years. 

I need time to sort out the revelation that “secrets”…even family ones…are a tool of the devil.  I believe God has revealed to me how satan uses secrets to separate us from those we need to help us deal with problems.  God never intended us to carry our burdens alone.  He made a woman for a man because it wasn’t good for man to be alone.  He made brothers…and sisters…and cousins…and friends.  He has surrounded us with people who should be willing to help us with our burdens.  But satan has filled our lives with lies.  His best lie?  Look out for #1 because no one else will.  Another lie?  Make sure you keep anything that might be embarrassing or painful to yourself because you never know what others might think.  And sometimes the place satan uses that tool the most is in church.  We go to church and think we have to “look good” to everyone.  If someone is broken or hurting there are some who don’t even want to hear it…it makes them uncomfortable.  But the Scriptures teach that we should be about the business of building each other up and restoring each other.  And the truth is:  the TRUTH will set you free.  Secrets…family secrets…have a way of finding their way to the top…and it’s painful and ugly.  And the death of a loved one adds just the right ingredients for such events…and satan thrills to throw them in to distract and confuse and hurt.  If you’re reading this…and you’ve held a painful secret in your family…find someone to talk to.  CONFESS, CONFESS, CONFESS.  The freedom follows confession.  Confession should be followed by large doses of love and forgiveness and peace … a peace that passes understanding.  After you confess…FORGIVE, FORGIVE, FORGIVE.  This does not mean you forget and set yourself up to be hurt again.  This means you let go of the pain that satan has been using to cripple your life.  Then fill that hole that was filled with pain and ugliness…fill it with loving and caring and giving.  That’s how you move on and that’s how you defeat satan.  I still need some time to do all that!

But time is going to be in short order.  There’s already a calendar of events to take care of this week…funny how that calendar was completely cleared so that I could care for mom.  Maybe I should “schedule” some time for mourning…an hour here…an hour there…to reflect…to capture the things I want to keep…to free the things I don’t want to carry with me. 

My role changes now.  I learned something in Louisiana.  I learned something about the “good name” of my parents.  *I* was someone special because I belonged to them and they belonged to me.  Unfortunately, I’ve not worked to have a good name here…and I see now how important that is.  Like my parents, I want people to hear my name and say, “She really loves the Lord and her family and others.”  It doesn’t just happen…it means there’s work to do.  At Dad’s funeral the congregation sang, “We’ll Work Till Jesus Comes”…guess it’s time for me to do so too!