Bubble Thoughts



Today I feel compelled to just free write…to let the thoughts bubble over.  Maybe I feel this way because I didn’t sleep more than an hour last night and I’m sitting home this morning feeling dysfunctional and in a stupor.  I’m going to let the thoughts that are blowing around in my mind slip out and pop in the wind like a bubble…and hope that they move on and let me focus on better things (smile).

I just watched “Face the Nation”, a show I rarely see (as in I don’t know that I’ve ever seen it before).  My blood is stirred about the debacle that Herman Cain has faced in the media this week.  Am I the only one in America who sees the media spinning this story?  Does the media really think it’s okay to “make” news instead of “report” news?  Facts:  anonymous women have spoken through an unimportant lawyer enjoying his 15 seconds of fame to discredit a man who’s been running for president for several months.  They waited till he became a front-runner and then decided that information they were “paid” to not talk about was now worth talking about.  I’d like to know if these women are being required to pay back the money that was given them for their silence.  It’s my understanding that the allegations go back a decade.  Is it possible that Mr. Cain learned a lesson from that experience?  Are there any newer allegations?  The fact that he’s not repeated this offense is an indication that if it did occur that he has repented and turned away from that behavior.  And yet the media goes on and on.  And since when did the media use YouTube postings as newsworthy stories like “Face the Nation” did this morning with Rick Perry.  In an edited sound bite clip Mr. Perry looks like he’s almost doing a comedy routine at a speech.  Amazing to me that the media finds this inappropriate for a man running for president, but thought it was wonderful when Bill Clinton picked up his saxophone to show his personality.  It’s difficult to find a candidate who is worthy of my vote when I have to do the sifting to establish the truth of the media, even the “reliable” sources.  It wears me out.  I’m sick of the negativity.  I’m embarrassed for our nation that we are the kind of people that feed on trash and gossip.  And I’ll be so glad when the local campaigns are over.  Paid advertising has become nothing but media bullying.  I would vote for a candidate who spent time talking only about what they plan to do and not bad-mouthing their opponents…I’m just saying (sigh).

Another thought sifting in and out this morning is about sleeping pills.  I have sleeping pills that were prescribed to me because insomnia has become a rather regular occurrence in my life this past year.  I don’t understand why I’m not tired when it’s time to go to bed, but I do know that I spend a lot of time watching TV and playing computer games in the wee hours of the morning…much to my darling husband’s disappointment.  He’s a snuggler and misses me when I don’t go to bed with him…but there’s just about nothing worse than lying in bed unable to go to sleep.  My eyes are wide open in the dark.  I’m not worrying…I’m really doing all I can think to do to relax and let my body shut down.  Sometimes, because of my recent medical history with cancer, I wonder if my body is trying to live as much life as possible because reality has hit that life doesn’t go on forever.  Death doesn’t frighten me… there are times I fully embrace the idea of it.  So I can’t put my finger on what the problem is…but this is what I know about sleeping pills.  Mine are made to help me sleep 8 hours. By the time I decide I need one there’s not 8 hours left for sleeping…arghhhhh.  I wish someone would invent something that would help me just ease off to sleep but be capable of functioning without feeling like a zombie the next day because I couldn’t fit all 8 hours in.  So I tend to skip the pills unless I’ve gone too long without sleep and know that I have to have some. 

I sent my wonderful husband to church without me this morning.  He is sitting right now in a Sunday School room with 2 and 3 year olds and I almost wish I was there to see him with the children.  I pray that he’s revealing that side of him that entertains children and gets their attention.  I know he has that side…I get to see it when he’s with our grandchildren.  If you’re reading this and you’ve never spent time with preschoolers, I’d like to encourage you to do so.  There is something so delightful in their play and their problem-solving.  I look at them in wonder knowing that I cannot even begin to see what they will be in 10 years or 20 years or so on and so on.  I see potential for greatness and sweetness and strength and boldness.  I am impressed with the parents and grandparents in our church who insure that these children will have an opportunity to know Christ in a society that wants to push him away.  What a blessing.

I also write this blog today because I want to put myself on notice this week and move away from my computer.  I have become a “couch potato” (well, really, a recliner potato) and am wasting away my days at this computer…something I know is not honoring God, is not showing respect and love for my husband and is making me disappointed in myself.  I have several important doctors’ appointments this week.  So I am giving myself a one to two hour limit on computer time every day this week.  I’d go cold turkey, but I teach an online course that requires I check in on my students daily…and I do want to keep up with what friends are doing and play “Family Feud” and “Words with Friends”.  I’m enjoying the Scrabble-like challenges.  But I’ve allowed Facebook to replace live contact and I’m ashamed of that.  While I had opportunities to make a difference this week, they all happened off the computer…so I need to spend more time off the computer.

I will update folks on my medical adventures.  On Monday I have a “pelvic ultrasound” to check the uterine lining to determine whether or not I need my plumbing adjusted.  I will have to wait till a week from Thursday for the findings.  On Wednesday I see a “general surgeon” to determine if my gall bladder needs to be removed.  On Thursday I will travel to Roswell for two appointments.  I will talk to a counselor about the overwhelming events of this summer that I’ve been emotionally dealing with.  Then I’ll meet with the genetics department to begin the process of determining whether I need to have my ovaries removed since breast cancer survivors are known to experience ovarian complications, mostly due to the medicine that now keeps my body fighting cancer.  Almost two-and-a-half years since the battle began…and the war continues.  It’s a strange war…one that rages inside of me…in my body and in my mind.  And the only way I’m surviving is because God is working in me through the Holy Spirit to calm me in the storm.  I honestly do not live in fear and stress really is not a problem…and that can only be because He has given “peace that passes understanding.”  I know I sure don’t understand it.  But I will forever be grateful for His Presence in my life.

I feel a little like Andy Rooney today…just spilling my thoughts out.  But they are thoughts I needed to spill so I don’t let them fester inside.  Now I’m going to get up and go clean my kitchen that’s become a disaster area due to my neglect.  This afternoon I’ll watch the Bills play the Jets while I cook some potato soup for our evening Bible study on marriage at church tonight.  I pray everyone has a great week.  Pray for me that I can let God take control of my time and help me learn to manage it more appropriately to honor Him.