I'm Her Daughter

My mind will not be still tonight.  It’s almost 1:00 a.m. and I find myself thinking about the “circle of life”.  I was her first child.  When I was pulled from her body I was wrapped in a blanket and placed in her arms.  She was my beginning.  She nurtured me and loved me.  She cared for me in my innocence and inability to care for myself.  She held me through my sorrows.  She diapered me and dressed me.  She made my bed.  She kept my nursery clean.  She fed me.  When I was sick she administered my medications.  And in that beginning…in those first couple of months…we lived the life that is now repeated – only we’ve switched roles.  I am loving her and doing all I can to nurture her.  I am caring for her in her inability to care for herself.  I am holding her when she’s sad.  I am caring for her personal needs and helping to dress her.  I am making her bed.  I am keeping her rooms clean.  I am making sure she is fed.  I am administering her medications. And I pray that I’m holding her in my arms when she leaves this world for her permanent residence.

Last night I wrote about the lump that now appears on her lower left back.  The nurse’s aide confirmed today that she saw it too.  And as I prepared her for bed tonight I realized that it’s already bigger than it was yesterday.  I believe there are tumors inside of her that are growing equally fast.  I believe they are pressing against her lungs and cutting off her supply of air and that’s why she cries out, “I can’t breathe” in the middle of the night.  Her suffering has begun.

Tonight she asked me to pray with her before she went to sleep.  It’s only the second time she’s asked me to pray with her since all this began.  I placed her in the Lord’s hands tonight.  I asked Him to come quickly and carry her home.  I want so much to not have to walk through the coming valley with her…but I will walk it and stay by her side and lead her home. 

Friends have suggested that I need to consider writing about my experience with my mother because it will help others when their time comes to be caregiver.  But I’m not sure it can help anyone because I suspect this journey is always a personal one.  I suspect that no two people have left this world the same…like snowflakes I believe that each individual is different and their experience with death is different.  I know that I cannot understand or comprehend how anyone could find themselves in this situation and not have a personal relationship with their Lord to sustain them and guide them and comfort them through each step.  I believe without the Lord I would be incredibly fearful, horribly angry and extremely frustrated by all that she has had to endure in such a short time.  But with the Lord I am instead free to celebrate His comfort, His peace and His joy as He does the things that only He knows must be done in this process.  There comes a point in something like this that I can only trust Him…trust that He knows what He’s doing…trust that His wisdom is greater than mine…trust that all things will work together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. 

Now that I’ve penned these thoughts I pray that my trust in Him will allow me to get what little rest I can before she calls my name in the night.  And I will count my blessings every time she calls because I know that in the near future she will never again call for me in the night…and how I’ll miss that.

She continually apologizes for needing me.  How I wish she could see inside my heart and know the blessing of serving her and loving her and being needed by her.  There truly is joy in the giving and doing and serving. 

So many have talked about feeling helpless and not knowing what to do.  I have to confess that this is a time in my life when “the thought counts.”  I have been blessed as others have shared thoughts of encouragement and shared that they are praying.  And I suspect for everyone that shares, there are others who don’t know what to say but are still thinking about us and praying for us.  I know there are prayers being lifted because this is a house of peace…even in the shadow of death.  So thank you to those who have “thought” about us and lifted that whisper of a prayer…your thoughts truly are sustaining and blessing and strengthening us for the road ahead.

I need to sleep.  I need to trust Him.  I need to weep…weep for the one who gave me life and is giving her life up so that she can begin her eternity in His Presence.  I will weep for my loss now…but I know that rejoicing comes in the morning and my morning in His Presence will also come.  There is so much joy and peace that comes from knowing this is a temporary separation.  I may not be able to fly to visit her…more than 1500 miles may separate us…but she will live on because I live.  I’ll look in the mirror and see her face.  I’ll hear her voice when I’m speaking to my children and grandchildren.  I’ll repeat some of her mannerisms.  You see…I’m her daughter!

(I wasn’t able to post this at 1:30 because I couldn’t get an Internet signal.  I’m posting, instead, at 5:10, after spending the last hour comforting mom and checking her pulse ox level at least a dozen times because she’s struggling to breathe)