It Is Well

Today has had too much drama for me to cope with and I finally gave up and cried.  Mom got up in pain this morning from not being able to have a bowel movement since last Friday.  She insisted that I had to call the nurse to come and help her.  We had tried stool softener tablets…stool softener liquids…suppositories.  There was just no relief.  So I placed the call and the nurse promised that somehow she would work mom into her schedule before the day was out.  I gave mom an extra anxiety pill to help her rest until relief could come.  And I thought she was asleep.  Then my brother Richard…the difficult brother that I have had to make a choice to love because he doesn’t make it easy to love him…popped into the living room and announced, “I’m going south…to the beach…I need to clear my head…I’ll be back on Friday.”  Mom asked me to get him to call David and let him know where he was going, so I headed back to his room to make the request.  “I don’t know where I’m going,” he said.  You have to understand that Richard rarely speaks because speaking is difficult when you’ve had your vocal chords removed from throat cancer and a “box” put in to help with sound.  I tried to clear things up… “You’re going to the gulf?”  “Yes…”  It didn’t clear much up.  I decided to go outside and copy down the license plate # on the car.  Then I sent off a quick e-mail to younger brother David to let him know what was happening. 

David called about ten minutes later…but Richard had left already…with the only transportation that we have here.  To say that my precious little brother was livid may be an understatement.  Angry…furious…seething…I think smoke was coming through the receiver as he told me what he thought of his big brother.  We worked together to come up with a solution to the transportation dilemma.  I pointed out to David (and mom) that we really didn’t have need for transportation.  If anything happens with mom I would call hospice.  But she felt insecure - and troubled for Richard - and this was the only thing that upset me.  I’ve been working so hard to help her not be upset by anything and now she was upset.  I called my aunt and she agreed to come spend the night with us…and tomorrow David’s friend will drop a car off for us to use till Richard returns.  But the pain had started that I had hoped our family could and would avoid.  I’ve heard that when parents are dying that children can have difficulties and the sibling relationships can be tested.  My decision to choose to love my older brother was tested severely…and I could find no magic words to calm my younger brother down. 

My older brother, Richard, is a broken man.  He was a broken young man…and I believe he may have been a broken child.  I don’t know why.  I only know that he has always marched to a different drummer.  He’s an alcoholic.  He’s abused drugs.  According to little brother he’s a sociopath in many ways, looking out only for himself.  But when you look at him through the eyes of God… when you ask to see what God sees…you see a broken man.  And my heart aches for him.  Has he ever known and felt that he was loved?  Does he know the truth?  Mom has championed him all his life…and he’s about to lose her.  I think he is frustrated that mom still loves and believes in him.  I think he’s frustrated that I still choose to love him.  I will say that he absolutely does not “deserve” this love.  But then I never “deserved” the love of God.  And I know there’s a Scripture somewhere that talks about loving those who are difficult to love…and it’s a verse intended for Richard.

After all this drama the nurse showed up and I watched in heartache as mom experienced the pain of having an enema…having to clean her off…hearing her cry out in pain.  I could do nothing to relieve the pain.  I could only “fan her” when she complained that she felt hot.  I loved our nurse, Sharon, for helping mom with such an intimate and personal problem.  She did it as tenderly and lovingly as she could.  But once we got mom to the bathroom and left her to sit for a few minutes to finish trying to empty her bowels, I sat in the rocking chair, covered my face…and let the tears fall.  It was just so much to deal with.

Richard once posted on FB that “The best day of cancer was yesterday.”  How profound that statement is.  Mom’s days are not going to get better.  Not until they are over here on earth.  But I will do everything within my power (and when I’m not feeling powerful I’ll do it within His power) to make those days as comfortable for her as possible.  I love her so much.  My aunt was such a comfort to me this evening.  She shared tales of her childhood…tales of nature…tales of friends.  It was such a joy to have someone friendly to talk with.  And I shared with my husband tonight that Richard’s absence from the house is almost like a cloud has been removed from over the house.  His actions today are like a storm that clears the air…at least for me…for now.

I love God.  I love how He works to strengthen us in our weakness.  He used my wonderful, adorable, godly husband to strengthen me tonight and remind me that God knows what’s going on.  Dan and I were talking on Skype and he sent me some Scripture verses to encourage me…and oh, how they did exactly that.  I’d like to share them with you.  They all come from The Message.

“Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.”  James 1:2-4

“There's more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!”  Romans 5:3-5

“Don't hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you've got it in you, get along with everybody. Don't insist on getting even; that's not for you to do. "I'll do the judging," says God. "I'll take care of it."  Romans 12:19

“All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort—we get a full measure of that, too.”  II Corinthians 1:3-5

I told Dan that I’ve known all these beautiful verses for a long time and I believe God is helping me learn how to live these verses.  I told him I must be becoming very well-developed and listed all sorts of trials I’ve been through in the last 5 years…and then thanked Dan for standing strong, bold, encouraging and forgiving through every one of them.  I believe we as Christians have a responsibility to make choices to do things the way God said we’re supposed to instead of believing that it’s okay to act differently because “I’m human”.  Somewhere along the way we have to grasp the concept that He truly has given us the power to overcome.  I love the phrase in the first Scripture about developing “passionate patience”.  Patience isn’t just about putting up with something…it’s about rejoicing that we have the opportunity to learn and grow and be pressed into service for God by dealing passionately (love) with those trials and irritations and aggravations.  I don’t get to choose to say “Woe is me” or retaliate or try to get one up on someone…because He lives in me and wants to take me to a higher place than that.  When we begin to obey Him… when we listen with our hearts and let Him move us in the direction He wants us to go…we experience joy in the pain.  We experience peace in the storm. 

A friend sent me an encouraging reminder today when she shared a hymn that our pastor used in a sermon recently.  It’s a favorite hymn and one whose words today take me where I want to be.  “When peace like a river attendeth my way…when sorrows like sea billows roll.  Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, ‘It is well, it is well, with my soul!”  Tonight…despite the drama of the day…the tears…the heartache…the frustration…IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL!