Why



I struggle this morning to understand why the end of a beautiful life has to be filled with indignities and embarrassment.  Mom has not made it to the bathroom on time a couple of times this week, including first thing this morning.  I could leave off this embarrassing and difficult detail, but it seems to be a regular end-of-life issue…and for some it begins long before the end of life.  I know Mom has talked about her feelings that Dad gave up after they put him in an adult diaper…he no longer wanted to live.  I mopped up after mom this morning, watching her sit in her chair with her head hanging down in shame and I reassured her that it was okay and that she had cleaned up after me for a couple of years when my life started, so I could handle this little task if it helped her.  I’ve watched her allow someone else to bathe her…the woman who hid from me in her closet when I was 23 and walked into her bedroom and caught her in her slip one day.  She’d always been so cautious and private about her body.  I’m watching her whither away to almost nothing because she’s unable to eat.  Yesterday David had to clean up after she was unable to keep down some Coke that she had swallowed…and surprisingly enjoyed.  She needs help putting on her house shoes.  She needs help dressing.  She needs lotion applied to her bottom where she’s developing pressure sores.  This was a woman who early in June was mowing her own lawn…hanging her wash on the line…serving others and meeting their needs.  And now she is almost an invalid.  And as I looked at the “quality” of her life this morning, it sure begged the question, “Why?”

I’m not afraid of that question any more.  I used to think it was a lack of faith that made me ask it…I believe with all of my heart that God is in control and knows what He’s doing.  I don’t think He gets mad or disappointed with me when I question now…I really believed that for a long time.  But it is that question that helps Him to reveal truths to our hearts.  Here are some of the truths that came this morning and He and I worked on the whys of what I’m dealing with here.

1.                 I am learning about compassion and patience in this process. 

2.                 I am learning to endure.

3.                 I am learning to trust.

4.                 I am learning to love my mother at a deeper, less superficial level.

5.                 I am learning about the greater love of the family of God.

6.                 I am learning that family is family, no matter how they act.

7.                 I am learning that family is family no matter how much time and how many miles interfere.

8.                 I am learning that my roots are deep and strong and I come from good stock.

9.                 I am learning to keep my mouth shut sometimes (some will be thrilled to know this)

10.            I am learning that absence truly does make the heart grow fonder.

11.            I am learning that I’m capable of things I never thought I was capable of.

12.            I am learning that He is faithful…even in my questions.

I can only write of my feelings and experiences, but I want you to know that I am truly aware this is really not all about me.  I wonder how mom feels about all that is happening to her.  She uses words like “miserable” and “stupid” and “I just want this over with now.”  She has used the word “afraid”, not about death, but about what she must go through to get to that point where she’ll step over into her reward.  I have to think that this time of struggle will only serve to make heaven even more spectacular than it would have been…but that’s a silly thought because I know that heaven will be beyond our imaginations and we don’t have to struggle here to appreciate there.

I am also learning this.  I am learning to pray and prepare now for my day, for I know it will come.  I want to enter into my end-of-life with a continued trust in the Foundation my life is built on.  I want my final days to bless those around me.  I want to choose grace and peace and joy in my final days and leave my incontinence and confusion and fears in the hands of the God who loves me so much He would die for me.  And I want my life’s testimony of trust in Him to come shining through.  That can only happen if I stay personal with Him and don’t grow blasé about our relationship.  I know He will remain faithful…it will be my responsibility to remain faithful to Him.  I have failed Him in life…made horrible choices with consequences that hurt people I loved and love.  I cannot do that any more.  I need to live in the present and live for Him every moment.  I need to be conscious of His Presence in me and around me as I remain available for Him to work through me. 

Every experience of our life is a lesson that draws us closer to Him…spiritually and physically closer.  I am learning to thank Him for the trials and to be awed that He still chooses to work with me and love me and forgive me.  I will never understand a God who can love like that…but I am so grateful that He is my God.